We Do Words

Correct & proper English

by Gordon Campbell 

Do you makE embarrassinG MiStakes?

Trying to write properly is a minefield. If you accidentally break a rule – split an infinitive, start a sentence with a conjunction, end a sentence with a preposition – the consequences will be catastrophic. Your memoir, political manifesto, or short story will be mocked and derided, and you will be a figure of fun and opprobrium to all and sundry. No wonder you are anxious and confused.

That’s why you should get me to edit your stuff.

Or not. I'm not big on the hard sell.

GRAMMAR IS important

Just kidding about those alleged rules. They were invented out of thin air by malcontents and oddballs in the nineteenth century in order to boss people around and feel important and are considered by reputable grammarians to be complete and utter codswallop. They are ignored, broken, and scorned by learned scholars, celebrated authors, and well-respected plumbers all the time, not just in comments on YouTube videos but also in formal correspondence such as letters to royal personages.

seriously

Speaking of which, if you're wanting to achieve a more sombre and formal tone in your writing, I'm your guy. I can do dignity, gravitas, and decorum like nobody's business. 

If, however, you're aiming for a casual and relaxed approach in your funeral oration or explanatory letter to the tax office, I will ensure your text is apoppin' with appropriate good vibes.

By the way, did you know that sombre and sombrero  are more or less the same thing except that one is an adjective and the other is a hat? This is because they both come from Latin sub umbra – under a shadow. 

Umbrageous

If you don't have a sombrero, you can also carry shade around with you by means of an umbrella. But if you throw that shade about, people may take umbrage! Words like these are the sad result of letting provincials and plebs (Spanish, Italian, and French ones in this case) vulgarise a language. 

I'm not really having a go at the foreigners, though! It was really called that, you see! Vulgar Latin. No harm, no foul! Respect to you, my romantic friends!

Problematic

Neither am I now indulging in crude national stereotypes that are deeply problematic despite being somewhat flattering at a superficial level. Romance languages, you see, are actually so-called on account of the Romans. Nothing to do with kissy-kissy or hanky-panky related matters at all.

If we're going to have the needless complication of a different name for the people (Romans) and the language (Latin), though, we really ought to stick with the system. Still, it's probably too late to do anything about it now.

I digress. I was telling you why you need me to edit your stuff.

I Didn't come down in the last shower

I've been around the block a couple of times. I've seen a few things. Furthermore, this is not my first rodeo.

As you can see, I have excellent skills in the care and maintenance of thesauruses or perhaps thesauri.

And remarkable self-restraint. I really wanted to add the 'tears in rain' speech from Blade Runner after the rodeo bit. 

Also, I’ve been doing this stuff for a decade, mostly copyediting manuscripts for academic journals, but also structural and developmental editing of larger works, including a textbook on construction law. I’ve written and edited business proposals, reports, and marketing material and information resources for primary health network organisations. I've got a nice regular gig with the Journal of Bioethical Inquiry. I’ve done a little bit of fiction editing. I do my own writing too, but nothing that’s made me rich or famous yet. 

Easily distracted!

Along the way I've come across lots of words – occupational hazard – and alongside them, fun and interesting and occasionally wacky and/or zany etymological fun facts. It's a curse, a habit, a sickness.  By the way, hazard is from Persian or Turkish 'the dice'. 

STOP PRESS!

I will be announcing the publisher for my forthcoming book, Correct & Proper English: It Ain't Hard, just as soon as the bidding war is concluded.

SELF-SACRIFICING!

Once everyone discovers what a doddle correct and proper English is, I will be out of a job, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. 

Professional!

I’m a professional editor, accredited by IPEd. I was on the board for a bit.

I've got a Masters of Applied Linguistics – the kind of thing you use to teach language learners. I ended up teaching written communication skills in universities and then drifted into editing. Anyway, I know grammar and that. 

Cynical! OPPORTUNISTIC!

I can take the Oxford commas out if you like or bung them in. I am a cynical mercenary in the comma wars with no loyalty to either side.  I can do slavish adherence to any style guide you care to mention, if that floats your boat.

On the wireless!

Every month or two over the last couple of years or so I’ve been doing a brief segment on ABC Radio Tasmania where I discuss editing and words with Leon Compton, and then someone phones in and reports that they are much aggravated by the egregious misuse of less and fewer, followed by someone else phoning in to complain about the egregious misuse of aggravated.

This occurs between 10 and 10.30 a.m. on Thursdays at 5- to 9-week intervals calculated according to a complex formula involving the lunar calendar and the equinoxes.

Egregious!

Isn’t egregious a humdinger of a word? The greg bit means flock, and it’s found in congregate, segregate, and gregarious. If something is egregious, it’s outside the herd – an outlier. Once upon a time a thing could be egregious in the sense of egregiously good, but nowadays people just use it for the bad stuff.

Scientific!

As Figure 1 demonstrates, egregiousness occurs on both sides of the bell curve.

Figure 1 The deep green zones of egregiousity

not nice!

Scientists, of course, are not nice. Science is from a Latin verb root sci- 'know'. The Romans attached modular bolt-on bits (aka conjugations) at the end to show who is doing the knowing and ne- at the start if they weren't. A nescius person is, therefore, ignorant – which somehow drifted into 'sweet and innocent' and eventually 'pleasant' and nescius changed into nice. It is therefore etymologically impossible for scientists to be nice. QED.

I digress.